I’m raising white males who I hope will one day get into Princeton University and Yale Law School. (Nah, fingers crossed, they’ll get into state schools.)

What’s a mom to do when she’s training up the next generation of the patriarchy and she wants her boys better equipped to live a life of chivalry and respect – towards everyone?

Let’s start with consent.

Raising decent guys

Back in my high school days, I dated decent guys and a couple creepy guys. The creepy ones were a little too into “exploration,” whereas I was not. It made for awkward moments when watching movies in the dark in someone’s basement. Slapping hands silently was a pretty popular game. (I can hear you ladies mouthing #metoo)

I do NOT want my boys to fall into the creepy camp. (Duh, does any mother ever?)

My goal is to train my little men to grow up and stand tall when they find themselves in the midst of a party with drinks flowing and things going off the rails. I want them among the STRONG who will say STOP – bravely and confidently and LOUDLY. Without fear.

I wish for them to not stand idly by, passively by, ambivalently by. But to “look ’em in the eyes” and change the trajectory of the moment – for the better. Whatever is happening: girls binging, boys groping, bullies pouncing.

This means I need to set expectations and create a culture of chivalry and respect RIGHT NOW. While my boys are innocent, carefree children.

But how can a momma make this happen?

Let’s talk about hugs

Ah, hugs: the ultimate symbol of human connection.

Hugs are, at best, all sweetness and love. Who wouldn’t want one?

My kids are learning that hugs require consent, too.

Small child: “Rita got mad at me today at school.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “I tried to give her a hug.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “Because I love her.”

Me: “Do YOU like hugs?”

Him: “Sometimes. Maybe. Not always.”

Me: “Sounds like sometimes Rita doesn’t like hugs either.”

Him: “Yeah.”

Me: “Do you like high fives?”

Him: “YES!”

Me: “You know what? The next time you want to give her a hug, how about asking if she wants one first? Then she can decide ‘yes’ or ‘no.'”

Him: “Oh! I can do that!”

Me: “And if she says ‘no,’ you could ask her if you can give her a high five instead.”

Him: “Ok! I can do that!”

Me: “High five, buddy!”

Him: “High five!”

Teaching consent

That’s how you teach consent. To little kids. And maybe big kids, too?

Could it really be that easy?

All I did was acknowledge his underlying natural desire for human connection, coached him how to ask respectfully for what he wanted and offered him a face-saving alternative to consider if his partner wasn’t amenable.

These people are 5. It’s not about sex yet. But someday they’ll be 15. And the conversation will be more complex. Or will it?

Because it’s about conversation, about respecting other people, about finding out the likes and dislikes of your partner, about your partner’s needs in this particular moment and circumstance. Today they may only be in the mood for a high five, but tomorrow you might just get that hug. Because you listened to their needs, too, not just your own. THEY felt heard, THEY felt respected, THEY felt cared for. And isn’t that all we humans really want in the first place?

It seems to be working

The other day my sweet boy mentioned he was going to marry Rita: “We’re gonna live in an RV. IF she wants to…”

Yes, exactly. IF SHE WANTS TO. Because consenting to a hug or a high five or a lifetime of luxury in a motor home begins with discovering IF your partner – at any age – WANTS TO.

Share your own tips for teaching consent below or on Facebook at MothersRest.

And check out The Ten Penis Rules for Boys for more tips on teaching consent.

Photo credit: Bess-Hamiti of pixabay.com

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS AND COMMENTS
Loving these tips mommas shared on Facebook.

No earth-shattering tips here, but I like the article! We have certainly talked about this with both of our boys. For a while, M didn’t want to be kissed by anyone, including us, and hugging was hit or miss. I often found myself kissing the top of his head without even thinking about it, which would upset him. We all had to work on asking for consent during that stage, and J got pretty good at remembering to say, “Hug?” before he tried to hug M.

Had this conversation with C too. He was always being hugged by random people, and I had to explain that it was his right to say, “I don’t want a hug,” “No,” or anything else that conveyed his right to keep his body to himself. It starts there. Instead of just saying to boys, “Don’t touch girls,” I think starting with “your body is yours and you can say no” goes a long way from a very early age. Then they get it: Doesn’t matter if it’s a boy body or a girl body. We teach respect, boundaries, and no means no, whether a boy or a girl.

This is a good first step. We did something similar, but also reminding them of personal space from about 3 yr old. This helps with learning limits (who wants a close talker?) Now we have started watching more movies beyond Disney. A question we may wish to ask as a society is what are our shows teaching our children if we aren’t watching the movies/shows with them? We saw Indiana Jones 3 a couple weeks ago and we addressed the “hard kiss” (forced kiss?) When the heroine says no. (But then she initiates a kiss after indicating she likes it.) Mixed messages like this need explanation for sure. Husband and I both took a minute: “When a woman says no, just stop. Always.” Hollywood wonders why they are suffering from all these scandals. I propose that they are drinking their own koolaid.

Seriously, this is all they need to know at 8 and 10. Also, pornography use/viewing has been linked to the abuse of women. If you start at a young age to talk about the proper view of sex and God’s gift of sexuality, abuse/consent isn’t a conversation in a vacuum.

We have always taught the kids that “you are in charge of your own body” (and that we are also not in charge of anyone else’s body)…L has taken this message to heart and has no problem in expressing her boundaries! When she was around 3 she was going to ride a camel at the zoo, but when she got to the front of the line she refused to let the zoo worker pick her up to put her on the camel’s back and yelled, “You can’t touch me! I AM IN CHARGE OF MY BODY!!!” at him. It may have been a bit much for the situation, but I was still pretty pleased (she did not ride the camel…)

From day one it has been… “This is your body, and YOU decide.” “This is MY body and, I decide…” We also respect when he makes requests about his own body.

This is so good and true! They need to role-play in health class – learn about all the parts, and then learn about consent and face-saving ways to leave a tricky situation.

Really good stuff! This a great, simple way to begin a very important conversation. Thanks for writing this.