The 10 penis rules for boys

It’s a bit unnerving to arrive at daycare to pick up your children just as one of them emerges from the bathroom sans pants and undies, completely delighted, pointing and announcing, “I showed her my penis. And her my penis. And…”


Clearly, it was time to remind the little bugger of a few ground rules. As in the TEN penis rules for boys.

Perhaps you need the ten penis rules in your life, too.

1. Don’t touch the counter with your penis.

2. Don’t touch your brother’s penis.

3. Don’t touch anyone else’s penis. (Until you’re 18 and live somewhere else.)

4. Don’t let anyone else touch YOUR penis. (Refer to the 18-year-old caveat above.) This includes the doctor. Unless you’re bleeding out from some BMX biking accident. (Because the game, “let’s play doctor,” gives me the heebie jeebies.)

5. Basically, don’t put your penis anywhere til you’re 18. At which point, if anyone else is involved in this putting-your-penis-somewhere business, they better be 18, too. Which means you better ask to see TWO forms of government-issued ID to verify this. Because statutory rape and the sex offender registry last a lifetime. Also, you and your honey better be in sync. As in, no means no. For you and your honey. Your body, your rules. Their body, their rules. Also, CONDOMS are your friend. Because STDs are real, man, and pregnancy lasts a lifetime.

6. Don’t play with your penis in the kitchen.

7. Don’t play with your penis at school.

8. Don’t play with your penis at church.

9. Basically, don’t play with your penis anywhere. Except your bedroom or the bathroom. (And don’t tell me about it unless things don’t seem to be operating properly. In which case, go tell your dad.)

10. Don’t let the dog lick your penis.

BONUS RULE: Don’t show off the junk at daycare. (It creeps out the other moms. And I have to face them again tomorrow.)

Share your Penis Rules below or on Facebook at MothersRest.

Editor’s note:
Statutory rape is no laughing matter. The #RockStarDad in my life is a criminal defense attorney and believes in our Constitutional right of innocent until proven guilty. Statutory rape is devastating for both the victim and the accused. The sex offender registry is a death sentence. Let’s join together to teach boys and girls to protect their bodies and to respect each other.

Photo credit: Jason Rosewell from

This post went viral, with over 5000 readers in less than 24 hours – and counting! Here are my favorite comments on Facebook about it:

My standard, which I may put on a sign in the boys’ bathroom: Keep your penis in your pants.
— Deanna, mom of two boys

It has always amazed me how they somehow come out of the womb obsessed with it…and no doubt will be the rest of their little lives!
–Alison, mom of two boys

There should also be one more! At the young age of basically potty trained but still super short of 4 years old: make sure that you put the toilet seat ALL the way up before whipping your junk out to pee! And make sure it’s put away before you put the seat down!
–Rachel, fellow boy-mom

Ha! I just said to the 4yo yesterday: If you’re going to play with your penis, please do that in your room, not mine. Lol.
–Monica, mom of 5 boys

That pretty much sums it up. It is important to have the conversation. This conversation will protect boys from inappropriate contact from older or same age youth.
–Elizabeth, district court judge and mother of two boys

You know we have a naked butt towel at my house for when E’s watching TV? He has to put the towel on the couch b/c no one wants to sit where his naked butt has been. And, he can only do it if we don’t have company. HA! Boys! Gotta love ‘em!
–my friend over at the blog FacesoftheMoon

My first thought was, “They have to have rules?” But then near the end it does explain the importance of this article. Thank you.
–Katherine, from Vancouver, Washington

It’s not “junk.”
–James, from Cincinnati

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