The freedom of a good vomit session

I implore you to keep reading. I promise this won’t get gross. And I’ll spare you a picture.

A funny take on how the stomach bug brings loved ones together. Because it’s all about sharing and caring. Also, it's a great weight loss plan.

It’s stomach-bug season. That’s sort-of like Passover (I’m no expert, I’m not Jewish), where the Angel of Death moves from house to house, sparing no one. I’ve watched it take down one family after another on Facebook.

I thought I was spared. Child One got it on a Thursday. Child Two got it that Saturday. Hubby got it on the Monday. Wednesday came. Thursday came. Friday came….All clear. This momma is safe!

Then today hit. A whole damn week later – ack!


The stomach bug gets around

One of my mommy Facebook friends likes to tell the following story.

The #RockStarDad in her life was in charge of the baby one evening. Momma was out on the town (or maybe just grocery shopping, I’m paraphrasing here, people.) No Momma = good luck, Daddy. And little sweetness threw up. In her crib. When he went to investigate, the cat followed along to see what the fuss was all about. And then the cat threw up.

cat_meme
funniest cat meme EVER


The stomach bug likes to bring loved ones together. That’s how it survives. It’s all about sharing and caring (it should have its own Twitter feed). Give Johnny a hug, he needs it. Come here, little girl, the wicked witch wants to give you a lollipop. What’s that, you say? Feeling queasy? Oh, that’s nothing. The fun is about to begin!

If it were just that simple. Give me a good vomit session and be done with it! None of this chills and fever crap. None of this 5-hour queasy ride. Get ‘er done.


Blessed relief

I finally got lucky after 8 hours. And it was bless-ed. I’m off to conquer the world now. Which is why I’m flying high, awake and writing a blog post at midnight. This momma is large and in charge. I will write all the things!

And I have onions to thank. Hubby is the grocery shopper in our house. He ALWAYS buys green onions. Did you know they often come with the root bulb attached? You can plant them and they will rejuvenate? It’s the miracle of marketing that we must. throw. out. plant. and. buy. more.

Since it was winter and I got tired of explaining the miracle of rebirth to him, I found a Mason jar, planted the onions in it and placed it on the windowsill in the kitchen. Voila! A veritable garden, all the green onions you could ever want. Screw the Marketing police! (Editor’s note: I teach Marketing.) We will have our green onions on the cheap, damn it.


Until today. I have cleaned the onion jar dutifully once a week because rotting, I mean, growing onions smell. I noticed this again today when I trudged into the kitchen to pursue the myth of electrolyte-giving Coke. I found a sliced and neglected lemon in the fridge. I dumped all the onions down the garbage disposal. I frowned at my anti-composting feat, but I am willing to say “Uncle.” The stank went down the tank. Along with the lemon to beautify the air, of course.

I did all this in a vague, nauseated state of delirium. And then, praise the Lord: Soon-a will be done-a with de trouble of de worl’. And oh, sweet mercy, I started to gag. Long story short, I made it to the bathroom and managed to keep the nosey minions my small children out of the room for ten minutes.

And with a swish of mouth wash, I rejoined life. Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose. Well, maybe 5 pounds. Can’t beat the workout regime.

Thank you, green onions. I’ll plant you outside next time.


Comment below or share your stomach bug stories on Facebook at MotherRest.


Photo credit: Pixabay.com

6 thoughts on “The freedom of a good vomit session

  1. Wow…and this a site to send to moms in MOPS! Offending us with words like “damn it” and “wicked witch” and “bitch.”
    I thought this site was written by a Christian, but guess not or you wouldn’t write words in your article like that! Or if it is MOPS forwarding this article, that’s not good at all!! You can be funny without using words like that! Come on! Apology needed to us all!

    1. Thanks for your feedback. I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ll unsubscribe you. And no worries, I am not affiliated with MOPS. I appreciate your candor.

    2. Wow – you must not know how blogs work because at some point you decided to subscribe, and the fact that you are in MOPS has nothing to do with her blog. Your comment makes me wonder if it was written by a Christian – I guess not or you wouldn’t be so bold to judge and question someone else’s relationship with God based on a few words sprinkled wittily throughout a blog post.

    3. MaryKay – Did you read the article? The family is sick, and the cat then gets sick. As a mom who suffered through a week with everyone in my family having the flu, the photo of the cat made me laugh my head-off (not literally, but figuratively).

      Life and flu are rough enough, so lighten up a little. Because when sh** get real, you da** well better believe parents have to make it through with humor!

  2. It hit us at Christmas along w/ 20 other family members. Hubby got us home after having 2 vomiting kiddos at the hotel. Hubby and Nana went straight to bed. Thought it skipped me… Until a week later. I have a source (you know her) who says grape juice consumption at tummy flu season will change the pH of the gut and make like the Angel of death passing over the homes with the blood of the lamb. (We have started this and will do so until May, then start up around mid- October.)

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