I got in this bad habit when my oldest was born of EATING LIGHTNING FAST – and only things you can grab and go, like pop tarts and brownies and french fries. That kiddo is 6 now and I still approach food pretty much like that.
Did this happen to you, too? Are you doing anything about it?
I wasn’t even aware of my tendency to plough through dinner til I saw a list of etiquette rules floating around Facebook recently. It includes things like DON’T ANSWER YOUR CELL PHONE DURING DINNER and USE YOUR TURN SIGNAL.
Also, SIT LIKE A ROYAL. (Um, no.) And SKIP CONTROVERSIAL TOPICS AT PARTIES. (Hello? What is the point of parties and wine if you cannot discuss the latest Trump tweet?)
But I had to pause when I got to rule #29: WAIT TIL EVERYONE HAS BEEN SERVED TO EAT.
Huh, this rule sounded familiar. Like I used to follow it in the days before children.
Back before this scenario started to play out in my life – tell me if you can relate…
Babies are demanding
You arrive home from the hospital with a dear new baby and your life morphs into WHATEVER THE TYRANT WANTS. Sleeping on your own schedule? Forget it. Showering when you feel like it? Nope. Eating a steak at your leisure? Hell no!
All mealtimes turn into EAT AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. Otherwise known as: find something you can eat with one hand – and do it quickly. Because you’re probably carrying baby in your other hand and you have no idea when you will be dealing with a diaper explosion. At which point, you will abandon all attempts at feeding yourself to get that shit done.
I don’t have babies anymore. And I still eat like this. Even though my boys are old enough for me to schedule normal, everyone-sits-at-the-table-and-eats-slowly-with-two-hands, family dinners.
Family dinners are complicated
I really like the idea of beneficial family dinners at home. Because people tell me that will keep my children off drugs.
Unfortunately, family dinners tend to devolve into me daring my VERY FIDGETY boys to get up from the table ONE MORE TIME, YOUNG MAN. Or smiling in a detached way while they spaz out about eating chicken again or how I put the peanut butter on only one piece of bread, instead of 3. (I’m trying to conserve bread. Because everyone knows once you make a multiple-bread sandwich, the small child will deconstruct it, eat one piece of bread, and suddenly become too full to proceed with eating the rest of said bread.)
WAIT TIL EVERYONE HAS BEEN SERVED TO EAT quickly turns into me clinging to my new-mom survivor skill of EAT AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.
I start itching to get up from the table to end the family dinner mayhem and get on with the night. My to-do list includes things like attempting to put children to bed extra early. Which never, ever happens. But one can dream.
This etiquette list got me wondering what I’m channeling to my kiddos.
Given that the list also says, TEACH YOUR CHILDREN GOOD MANNERS, I polled the boys for a list of mealtime rules. To see what they’d internalized so far. I was impressed when they came up with 17 rules completely unprompted by me.
Dinnertime rules for kids
Here’s their list. Maybe some of these apply in your house, too.
1. Wash your hands before you eat.
2. Say the blessing.
3. Don’t get up unless you have to pee.
4. Don’t say poopy butt.
5. Don’t scream.
6. Don’t burp.
7. Don’t play with toys at the table.
8. Don’t chew with your mouth open.
9. Say PLEASE and THANK YOU.
10. Don’t punch your brother.
11. Don’t throw food.
12. Don’t use your cell phone at the table.
13. Don’t pour milk on the floor.
14. Don’t stab anyone in the neck with your fork.
15. Don’t stand on your chair.
16. Don’t spit your food out on your plate.
17. Put your dishes on the counter when you’re done.
I think it’s a good list. (Although 17? I mean, that’s A LOT OF RULES!)
I was especially fascinated by #12: DON’T USE YOUR CELL PHONE AT THE TABLE. Because the boys don’t have cell phones. I mean, they barely even watch TV most days.
They’ve picked up on this rule from watching me and #RockStarDad park our phones in the other room when it’s time for dinner. As in, actions speak louder than words.
Saying the blessing
But let’s also explore what’s missing from the list: WAIT TIL EVERYONE HAS BEEN SERVED TO EAT. Clearly, I’m neither practicing this, nor talking about it.
The closest we come to this etiquette rule is #2: SAY THE BLESSING.
This was a big ah-ha for me. I can easily make the leap between these two rules for my boys. Because the purpose behind them both is togetherness.
We say the blessing as a family when we’re all seated, when the table is set, and the food is ready to eat. When no one is milling about, heating up leftovers, or cleaning up pots and pans. We’re all sitting together, poised to enjoy a meal.
The blessing gives us a chance to be calm for a minute before we dig in. It centers us and readies our minds, reminding us we’re stepping away from the daily chaos to join together and break bread.
(If only invoking “Dear baby Jesus” guaranteed the boys would follow the other rules. You guys, saying the blessing tends to escalate into a wild yelling match, complete with fist-to-cuffs, and “It’s not fair! You got to say the blessing last night! It’s my turn!” Apparently, I need to add some sub-rules, like “Big brother says the blessing Monday thru Thursday and little brother says it Friday thru Sunday,” or “We all hold hands during the blessing because idle hands tend to whack people.”)
Taking a new approach
Maybe in your house, you WAIT TIL EVERYONE HAS BEEN SERVED TO EAT. In my house, we say the blessing.
Folks say we never stop learning and growing til we’re dead. Which means me and the boys have plenty of time to perfect the family dinner. To slow down and enjoy being with one another, to take a minute before we eat to pause and care for one another – to notice who’s at the table and who’s missing. To lavish in the fact that within the midst of crazy, busy school and work schedules, dinnertime is important. Family time is important.
Eating is about togetherness. It begins when we approach the table and say the blessing, when we wait til everyone has been served to eat, when we recognize that we want to be with each other while indulging in winner winner chicken dinner.
Chores and schedules and responsibilities tell me the lie that I MUST EAT SUPER FAST. But these etiquette rules are a gentle reminder that there’s another way to approach dinner – and life. Ultimately, I’m in charge of my day and I deserve to slow down to enjoy it. Because one day soon my boys will be grown and living on their own. Family dinners will be hard to come by.
Today, I’m starting a new approach. To WAIT TIL EVERYONE HAS BEEN SERVED TO EAT. Quickly followed by the blessing and a commitment to be present at the table with my delightful and wild children.
Life’s too busy for trivial rules, but life’s fuller with ones that give you the breathing space to really be a family. So what’s on your etiquette list? And what would your kids say?
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Photo credit: freepik.com
ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS
I’m excited to share that Triad Moms on Main has featured a version of this post on their blog.