There are things your kiddos DO need. Like broccoli, the occasional bath and 12 hugs a day. Then there’s all the junk you can buy for them online.
Take my hand. (Think of it as a virtual hug. Because mommas need them, too.) Let me guide you through a few of the oddities I recently found while wandering the halls of the Inter Webs.
For your convenience, I’ve included affiliate links should one of these bizarre things win you over. Check out my Disclaimer to learn more.
Here’s my list of bizarre things the kiddos (probably don’t) need.
1. THE STUFFED PLACENTA
Mommas, I bring you baby’s first friend: the stuffed placenta. And, hey, it’s safe for all ages! So says the product description.
Now people do a lot of things with placentae – bury them, eat them, encapsulate them. But cuddling up with one doesn’t seem to make it on that list. And for those of us who wore the pregnancy badge, mother of advanced maternal age, old lady placenta definitely isn’t a pretty thing. Old lady placenta got the job done (hopefully) and then promptly retired. My babies didn’t need her to give them a post-delivery hug. They settled for the traditional elephant lovie and teddy bear (and boob).
Call me old fashioned (emphasis on the old), I’m just not feeling this one.
2. THE KIDDIE TRAVEL URINAL
Okay, you need to toss the kiddie travel urinal out the car window. Please let your man-child live a little and, for the love of all things holy, pee on a frikkin’ tree. You will delight him to no end.
Plus, why do you want to carry around a bottle of urine? I get it if you’re camping in one of those “leave no trace” kind of places. Or maybe you’re in the Arctic and the pee is warm (yeah!) and will ward off hypothermia (yeah!) But for the rest of us Glampers, aren’t you just planning on dumping the junk on the ground anyway? Let’s all save a little time, dig a hole if you must, and give Jim Bob the go-ahead to water that pile of poison ivy over there.
As for the girl one, well, I can’t even. I grew up in the 80s when my parents just stopped the car on the side of the road and held my butt out the open door. I mean, look at this thing. I’m pretty sure they styled the monster in Stranger Things on it. (Spoiler alert – don’t watch the clip if you’re still on episode 1.) Seriously, who wants that thing anywhere near your girl parts?
3. THE UNI-SEX UNICORN MASK
I like unicorns as much as the next girl, but the uni-sex unicorn mask falls into Scary Clown territory. “Magical” appears in the title for this thing. The only magical thing I can say about it is that 500-some people left a review giving it 4.5 stars. Say what?!
To be fair, I have actually seen the unicorn mask in action. So I do get it – sort of. I went to a parade on Saturday and someone on a float was sporting one. The moment was magical. Time stood still. Hushed whispers went through the crowd, “Dude, that guy’s wearing a horse mask!” No, it’s clearly a unicorn. There’s a horn on top. Also, how can you be sure there’s a “guy” in there?
Aside from the lack of intellect amongst the hoi polloi, I gained an appreciation for this one. I’m still not going to buy it for my kid. The weird cheek vein is reason enough for me. But when he’s 13 and joins a band and wants to buy it himself, I probably won’t immediately donate it to Goodwill.
4. THOR HAMMER NIGHT LIGHT
By far, the Thor hammer night light is my favorite on the list of bizarre things the kiddos don’t need. I mean, y’all, it’s a hammer that you attach to the wall and it looks like you’ve cracked the wall to install it. This is EVERY little boy’s dream – TO BREAK YOUR WALL. This night light gives him permission to do just that. Seriously, my 3-year-old would be looking to install hammers all over my house if I brought this home.
I get it, Thor is huge right now. But I’d recommend a T-shirt instead.
Oh, and while you’re at it, you totally need to check out this ELEPHANT UNDERWEAR FOR MEN. So not for the kiddos, but so fun.
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Photo credit: Christian Gertenbach from Unsplash.com