There are things your kiddos DO need. Like broccoli, the occasional bath and 12 hugs a day. Then there’s all the junk you can buy for them online.
Take my hand. (Think of it as a virtual hug. Because mommas need them, too.) Let me guide you through a few of the oddities I recently found while wandering the halls of the Interwebs.
For your convenience, I’ve included affiliate links should one of these bizarre things win you over. Check out my Disclaimer to learn more.
Here’s my list of bizarre things the kiddos don’t need.
1. The Stuffed Placenta.
Mommas, I bring you baby’s first friend. And, hey, it’s safe for all ages! So says the product description.
Now people do a lot of things with placentae – bury them, eat them, encapsulate them. But cuddling up with one doesn’t seem to make it on that list. And for those of us who wore the pregnancy badge, mother of advanced maternal age, old lady placenta definitely isn’t a pretty thing. Old lady placenta got the job done (hopefully) and then promptly retired. My babies didn’t need her to give them a post-delivery hug. They settled for the traditional elephant lovie and teddy bear (and boob).
Call me old fashioned (emphasis on the old), I’m just not feeling this one.
2. The travel urinal.
Please let your man-child live a little and, for the love of all things holy, pee on a frikkin’ tree. You will delight him to no end.
Plus, why do you want to carry around a bottle of urine? I get it if you’re camping in one of those “leave no trace” kind of places. Or maybe you’re in the Arctic and the pee is warm (yeah!) and will ward off hypothermia (yeah!) But for the rest of us Glampers, aren’t you just planning on dumping the junk on the ground anyway? Let’s all save a little time, dig a hole if you must, and give Jim Bob the go-ahead to water that pile of poison ivy over there.
As for the girl one, well, I can’t even. I grew up in the 80s when my parents just stopped the car on the side of the road and held my butt out the open door. I mean, look at this thing. I’m pretty sure they styled the monster in Stranger Things on it. (Spoiler alert – don’t watch the clip if you’re still on episode 1.) Seriously, who wants that thing anywhere near your girl parts?
3. The uni-sex unicorn mask.
I like unicorns as much as the next girl, but this falls into Scary Clown territory. “Magical” appears in the title for this thing. The only magical thing I can say about it is that 500-some people left a review giving it 4.5 stars. Say what?!
To be fair, I have actually seen the unicorn mask in action. So I do get it – sort of. I went to a parade on Saturday and someone on a float was sporting one. The moment was magical. Time stood still. Hushed whispers went through the crowd, “Dude, that guy’s wearing a horse mask!” No, it’s clearly a unicorn. There’s a horn on top. Also, how can you be sure there’s a “guy” in there?
Aside from the lack of intellect amongst the hoi polloi, I gained an appreciation for this one. I’m still not going to buy it for my kid. The weird cheek vein is reason enough for me. But when he’s 13 and joins a band and wants to buy it himself, I probably won’t immediately donate it to Goodwill.
4. The lion night light.
This is by far my favorite on the list of bizarre things the kiddos don’t need. I mean, y’all, the description includes words like adorable and aromatherapy. Plus, “young boys” and “teen girls” find this soothing. What’s not to like?
My young boys would be SUPER excited about the LIONS, but I’m pretty sure they’d attempt to drink the aromatherapy juice – or pour it on the dog. So I recommend sticking with a boring Disney Lion King one for the under 10 set.
Now for teen girls, I’m guessing they’ve changed a lot since I was one. We were more into Classic Rock, teen boys, makeup, and trying to see how many skittles we could stuff into a Zima. Essential oils hadn’t yet infiltrated our domain. When we thought of aromatherapy, we mostly thought:
But if your daughter has her hopes on life as a vet, zoo keeper or massage therapist, you could totally make her day. She might even offer you a hug afterwards (only 11 to go!)
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Photo credit: Christian Gertenbach from Unsplash.com